Wake Up, Look Up

[Music]

hello everyone thanks for listening to

wake up lookup a podcast where we

connect events happening in real time to

the Gospel of Jesus Christ I'm Zach wck

and in today's episode we're asking the

question should I talk about my marriage

this is prompted by an advice column I

read this week where someone writing in

was asking the columnist uh when is it

okay to talk to friends or family

members about your spouse acknowledging

the tension between privacy which is

pretty valuable in a marriage and your

spouse's reasonable expectation that the

things that are meant to be private are

staying private and on the other hand

acknowledging there are times when you

need an outside opinion when you need

advice on how to move forward in your

marriage how do you strike the balance

between these things this is a a theme

that I have seen come up over the course

of not only my own marriage uh but my

career as a pastor over the 20 years

I've been a pastor this tension seeing

couples navigated so much so that when

my wife and I teach premarital

counseling or in the marriage class at

our church we always talk about this

issue and I want you to keep in mind

that I think the most powerful verse

about marriage in the Bible comes from

the book of Genesis where we're told

that Adam and Eve and then of course by

extension all all married couples after

were naked and without shame it's such a

powerful description of the intimacy

that is meant to be enjoyed in marriage

that it should be a space where you are

able to be fully known and fully loved

without fear of reprisal so how do we

get there while acknowledging there are

times where we might need help well

before I give you some practical steps

let me first say that the one instance

where you should always talk about your

marriage

is if there's abuse if you're listening

to this podcast and you are not safe in

your marriage skip past everything I say

about intimacy and go tell someone

because that is a clear violation of the

marriage covenant and you need to find

help as quickly as possible but in less

extreme situations let me offer three

pieces of practical advice all coming

from that reference in Genesis uh first

is intimacy is the goal of marriage

which means by by and large what happens

in your marriage should stay in your

marriage it's pretty hard to be

vulnerable if I'm worried that my spouse

is going to tell someone about the silly

or stupid thing that I said about the

thing that I did or about the fight that

we had if I fear that what's private

will become public eventually I'm not

going to be myself in the context of

marriage I'm going to be the kind of

sanitized version of myself that I take

with me into public so so in in the in

the end I'm going to end up wounding my

marriage by changing how much Amy gets

to experience the real Zack or vice

versa the goal here should be to only do

and say things that Foster intimacy

never that harm it the second thing I

want you to say is that it might mean

that sometimes the true pursuit of

intimacy in other words I do fully know

you but I'm struggling with loving you

might require an outside voice voice or

an opinion it might mean talking to a

friend or family member or even a

therapist but a quick rule of thumb is

this never talk to anyone else about

your marriage without your spouse's

permission because when I say to my

spouse hey I'd like to talk about this

with a friend I'd like to get an outside

perspective I I can't seem to get over

this fight I need some help what I'm

saying to them is hey our intimacy is

really important and I won't do anything

that threatens that so I'll only talk

about this if you're okay with it

therefore even if they give me their uh

uh approval to talk about that

particular thing what's implicitly being

communicated is I'm not talking about

anything that they haven't given me

approval I'm preserving privacy even as

I seek help and the third thing is this

we need to apologize and seek

reconciliation for past harm the reality

is that if you haven't been careful

about talking about your spouse with

those around you you've probably created

a pretty negative opinion of your spouse

in the people around you who don't

really have a relationship with them and

are dependent entirely on your

perspective that might mean going to

those people and saying hey I have so

many good things to tell you or I never

circled back and told you how we made up

it may mean apologizing to your spouse

that the reason your mom or sister or

brother or friend doesn't really like

them is because you haven't been really

careful about what you've said to them

again the goal here is not to have

something to talk about and it's not to

build a coalition with those around us

against our spouse the goal is a

marriage where we can be naked and

without shame keep that in mind as you

navigate these tough questions hey

thanks so much for watching this video

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