Wake Up, Look Up

Hello, everyone. Thanks for listening to Wake Up, Look Up, a podcast where we connect events happening in real time to the gospel of Jesus Christ. I'm Zach Weihrauch. In today's episode, we're talking about an intimacy hack, and we're asking the question, do the five love languages work? This is in response to a 1992 book that has been really popular, really, nationally, but even especially in Christian circles, a book by Gary Chapman on the five love languages.

And, basically, it goes like this. Each one of us, according to mister Chapman, have a love language, like, for example, quality time, where the way we receive love is you spend time with us, and the way we give it tends to be, we assume, you want to spend time with us, that that's how you'll feel loved. But, of course, there are five of them. So, actually, your love language might be gift giving or words of affirmation or physical touch. And one of Chapman's central arguments is the key to loving someone is understanding their love language, not assuming their love language is your love love language and making sure that when you show them love, you show it in a way in which they receive it.

Now this idea is beloved by some, and as you might imagine, criticized by others, and that's where we pick it up because I read an article this week by relationship expert Julie Gottman on how the love languages may not be as helpful as we originally thought because they are now being used as a self description rather than a description of your spouse. Here's what I mean by that. People are now saying my love language, not yours, is gift giving. Therefore, if you wanna love me, you must give me gifts. Or mine is time.

If you wanna love me, you must spend time with me. And as a result, it's being weaponized in a way to say the only way I'm interested in receiving love is this way. It's actually becoming almost like a hostage demand in that way. So that begs the question, as Christians, how should we think about love languages? Well, this might be a little less about Chapman's tool, five love languages, and more about how we use it.

Because what's really going on here is this is yet another reflection of the self centeredness that exists in my heart and yours and is really pervasive in our culture. Because self centeredness manifests in this way. A tool that was designed to help me love others is now a tool to tell others how to love me. And this is not just true of the five love languages. This is true of any tool.

Like, for example, I know I'm an enneagram eight, which is another way of saying I can be a real jerk. The enneagram eight should tell me I need to be careful with my jerkiness, but in the wrong hands, it could be used to legitimize my jerkiness so that when I cut you off in traffic, I can say, hey. You know what? I'm an Enneagram eight. That's just how I am.

It becomes a an excuse rather than a tool designed to help me grow. And that's what's happening, I think, with the love languages, is we're telling other people how to love us as an excuse to justify our own self centeredness. Because after all, when we read the description of love in first Corinthians 13, we see that it is other centered. It is patient. It is kind.

It does not demand its own way. Why? Because love is primarily about the one you're giving it to, not about you. Love is something we show other people. It's not something we demand for ourselves.

It is something we want and crave for ourselves, but when you demand it or require it to take a certain form, you actually turn it into something other than love. Jesus calls us, in John fifteen thirteen, to self sacrificial love, not transactional love. So in the right hands, the five lung love languages says, hey. You know what? I need to get to know my spouse or get to know my friend.

I need to desire to show them love in a way that is actually affirming to them. That that's just intimacy. That's fully knowing someone so that you can fully love them. Chapman didn't invent that. He just gave us a tool to help us navigate that.

But the five love languages should be about how I can love you, not about how I can teach you or require you to love me. I'm also a little wary, if I'm honest, about us defining love. You You know, in first John, when the Bible says God is love, it means whatever God is, whatever he does, whatever he says, that is love. It doesn't mean there's a definition of love external to God that he somehow measures up to. It's entirely possible if I give you the terms of loving me, that I'm at odds with what God would say.

So that in that way, if you do what I want you to do, you may not actually be loving me. You May just be giving me what I want. It may actually be that love requires the opposite. Intimacy in the Bible, particularly in marriage, don't forget, in Ephesians five, is rooted in my sanctification. I need my wife to want to love me in a way that makes me more like Jesus, more in love with Jesus.

And that might mean saying, Zach, the last thing you need is another gift. I don't care what your love language is. For Christians, we must first go to God for a definition of love. We must, second, check our own selfishness and make sure we're about other people. And only then is a tool like the five love languages actually helpful.

By the way, if you read the book instead of just using the language, I think you'll see that's what Chapman said all along. Hey, thanks for watching this episode of Wake Up, Look Up. If you enjoyed it, please help us get the word out by sharing it with someone you think might benefit from it. And while you're here, make sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel to get further content or even download the CCC app where you'll find even more resources to help you grow in your faith and relationship with Jesus Christ.

Have an article you’d like Zach to discuss? Email us at wakeup@ccchapel.com!